Phase 22: Isnt it strange how "SOBER" is an anagram of "BORES"?

It seems peculiar now that I can easily say to people "Oh, I dont drink", yet wouldnt think of saying "Not for me, I am an alcoholic". Why is that?
Is it because the latter causes a degree of uncomfort to the listener. There isnt much in the way of a come back, that would keep up the cheerful tone, without it sounding awkward.
"an alcoholic....?, hmmmm... well,... you dont do things by halves...[wince].", or
"really... alcoholic... mmm..    wine gum?".
It is a bit of a conversation killer, and you can immediately "see" the images flashing into their minds. The association of you, and a drunk; as a drunk. And all the while they picture those images, there is an uncomfortable pregnant pause.
I also find myself wondering who else might have the same condition as me?. As I chat to people and they comment "Oh, I`m not much of a drinker myself," or "doesnt do much for me", I am almost tempted to ask "Why's that?", just to see how "common" alcoholism might be. Then again, would that really help me?. Does the fact that you have a "common" condition lessen the effect?
The only people I believe it would help (or so they think) are those that are trying to pin the cause on something other than their own weakness. Looking for blame anywhere but in the mirror.
I have been looking at the mirror for the past 3 years, and been proud of what I see. Because of the time it takes light to travel from my eyes, to the mirror, back to my brain, and register, I am constantly viewing the past. Albeit a split second. But the past. Therefore the image staring at me must be viewing the future. A sober future.

Phase 21 : "Down it in one..?", I never used to take that many...

As with anyone trying to give up something that has played such a pivotal part of everyday life, being an Alcoholic means that I seem to be more atuned to references, adverts, of discussions about alcohol. It is all about natural awareness, and the brain processing information triggered by a particular word, or smell, or sound. How often is it, that after buying a new car, that we suddenly become aware of exactly how many of the same make, or colour, suddenly appear. As if the walls of the dam were suddenly broken, and the world was flooded with exactly what we now have.
For me, the same thing happens regarding alcohol. Even after nearly 3 years of my body being ABV 0%, my senses are still twitchy to alcohol in all its forms. Police programs about drink driving, government promoting responsible drinking, supermarket constantly discounting alcohol. These all seem far more prevalent over the last 3 years. Or am I being paranoid?
My battle is now to try and not be the "alcohol is evil" crusader.
Knowing what I now know about the dangers of addiction, and the chemical destructive nature for otherwise healthy organs, I may be being selfish by NOT becoming a campaigner for higher prices, and increased age limits. Would helping to save one future life of destruction, help to atone for my own personal waste of time, money, health?
I believe the answer to that is emphatically no!
This is because the flip-side of that view is that by implication, someone should therefore have helped me, so it isnt my fault.
It is all my fault. All my fault, and no-one elses. I cant blame anyone for what should have been done, I can only blame me for what I do next.

Phase 20 : Get a Pint into a half pint pot...just cut out the pot...

Will I be an Alcoholic for the rest of my life? The answer is I'll never know. There is one thing that I do know, and it is an enlightnening, and somewhat welcoming, side effect of the admission of previous dependancy on alcohol. What I know is that honesty with yourself is the greatest tool that you can arm yourself with for the life ahead. Couple this with the realisation that you can achieve anything, and  all of a sudden your mental approach to the unknown seems stronger.
At the moment I am not an advocate of "group" therapy. This could be a regretful attitude, but I hope not. In some arrogant way, though, I'm not relying on just hope, as "hope" implies a degree of desperation. I genuinely dont believe I need to. Some people do use it, and use it successfully, and all my congratulations go out to them. For them, the support, love, achievement they develop through each days successful refraining from alcohol, can be shared with others. For me, I use it to feed my own stubborness to succeed. It seems to be working.

Phase 19 : I'm a "Glass Half Full" kinda guy. [GULP] Now its gone...

After 30 months of being Alcohol free, still means, though, that I am an Alcoholic. And I have found one major side effect of this journey into abstinence. In some ways, I dont want it to go, because it is a reminder.
It is that I get extremely annoyed now with others who get drunk. Theres an internal dilemma as the feelings of irrittation and intolerance starts to build up inside, as I watch others making complete fools of themselves. I dont want to "temper" these emotions, as it is this unwanted passiveness that I found was "cured" with the addition of Vodka. Being able to express these thoughts, without the "dutch" courage, is an achievement in itself. However, it portrays the impression of a "jealous" alcoholic even more. "Your only jealous because they can and you cant..." is the trademark response. "Youv'e had your fun, let them have theirs.."
In some small way, there is some envy. Not envy as regards "letting my hair down". More so envious that they can do one thing, that I will never do for the rest of my life.

Phase 18 : Stewed Liver and Onions. One makes you cry, the other ones an onion...

Being an Alcoholic should mean that I wake up every morning with temptation tugging at my first thoughts of the day. That taking each day as it comes means breathing a sigh of relief, at the end of each alcohol free day achieved. Or that is what I have been lead to believe. However, I want to be in a mind state that "not" thinking about what I have achieved that day becomes the norm. After all I dont mentally slap myself on the back for not taking up smoking that day, or refusing that last doughnut. Thinking about "not" drinking, means thinking about drinking not done, thinking about drinking resisted, thinking about drinking. The same way telling someone to not think about a banana, makes them think about, not thinking about, a banana. I may be fooling myself, in the thought that I will always take it for granted I dont drink. It may be reckless to be "letting my guard down", by not constantly reinforcing to myself that "its one more day", and "theres another challenge round the corner, be prepared". I think that reinforcing the positive aspects, without even mentioning alcohol, is a more effective future strategy.
I am delighted with my confidence, and assertiveness, and stubborness (yes, a good trait if used correctly), and ability to walk in a straight line, and remember the following day.