Alcohol, what it means to me.

2 years ago, in a land far far away. An evil presence was banished forever. To never return to the land it once ruled....


Sounds like the opening title sequence from Star Wars doesnt it. Instead it was the last day that I drank alcohol. The vice like grip, the "evil" presence once held, was released.
I now know that there are many other who would love to say those words. There are many others who need to say those words. And, unfortunately, there exists the memories of others who now, sadly, cannot, say those words.


I feel lucky. Lucky because I am still able to write this. Lucky because I am happier within myself than I have ever been. I thought I was happy when I drank. But it was a con. I was mentally lying to myself, and was believing it. Falling for it hook line and sinker.


I look back and cringe when I think about how I was acting. How I thought no-one knows. I didnt act drunk, and because I could still control myself physically and mentally, I was proud of myself. It was all false though. I fed off of the success of the charade. It further boosted my justification for what I was doing. The changes in physical appearance, caused by the long term abuse, were becoming ever more obvious though. Its all righ though, as I had perfectly reasonable excuses for them.


Constant shaking (but it was winter though....)
Gaining weight (fluid retention, bit less salt should do it)
Yellowing of the skin (I've always looked tanned..)
Tiredness (Not getting the minimum 8 hours a night. early night should do it)


It obviously had nothing to do with the bottle of vodka every day. Neat. Straight from the bottle.
It all culminated in a hospital visit after tripping over. Doctors dont go to medical school, studying for years, for nothing. They knew instantly, and tried to warn me. "I strongly recommend you stop drinking" was the advice that fell on deaf ears. "They say that to everone" I told myself. As I had never smoked, they had to go to Sin Number 2 on their "List of Things You Must Warn Every patient of, regardless of symptoms".


I didnt heed the warning....  and the drinking continued...