Phase 6: Bacardi Brrrrrrreezer...

These icy mornings dont half make alcohol taste differently. Its a good job that the freezing point of alcohol is below 0 DegC, otherwise the bottle that I always keep overnight under the passenger seat of the car (for the morning), would be crunchy. Instead, as I settle in the driver seat, ready to leave for work at 7:00am, I reach under and fumble under the seat until I feel the cold stem of the screw top. As I reach around I hear a "clink" sound, as the glass body of the half-full bottle, hits the neighbouring empty I stashed only the day before. That reminds me, I must go to the rubbish bin at lunchtime. Have got a few black bags of empties to dispose of. General store on the way back as well, need my evening quota.
Yep, got it. Quick glance around....and..... glug glug. and one for luck, glug. Mints now.

Christmas soon.

Good news: Everone drinks. Everyone gets tipsy. Everyone is too preoccupied with food, presents, shopping, decorations, cards.. to notice me. Also alcohol cheaper than its ever been.

Bad News: Officer Dibble around every corner. Cant afford another near miss like last week. Got pulled over by a passing copper, following me for about 1/2 mile. Blue flashing light, crawled into a side street. Went to take my seat belt off to get out, to find it wasnt on!! Got out acted nervous, apologised, and listened intently to the lecture on "impact force at 30 mph" etc.etc. Then out of the blue he said "Out drinking last night sir?". My heart raced. The magic mints obviously wern't working. I mumbled something about not going out, and waited. He handed me the ticket, and let me on my way. Phew. Gotta be a bit more careful.

I plan my day ahead, as I take the 45 minute journey to work. Get there early. Dont want to start getting a reputation as a "later". Feeling warm now. Shivers subsided.

Phase 5 : "They call me mellow yellow...."

"have you been away..... you look ever so tanned.....". Well, I did go away earlier in the year
Blimey, who needs self tan. Eat the odd carrot, turmeric in the pilau rice, a natural glow.
Might just have a little look in the mirror though. Might be something in it...
Hmmmm. Eyes look a little "off-white". Cant say that I have ever really looked at them before though, so cant compare. Might just peek every now and again.

[No dont do that, getting paranoid are we???, Be your own man. You've always paid to much attention to what others tell you in the past. Be stronger. be more confident. I can give you that]
Its started again. The "second voice". It seems to have the answers to allay my doubts. Maybe it is right. I have always been a "doormat" guy. Drinking helps me, to tell me, what to do. Thats different. Thats not being a lapdog. Its being my own man.
[There. You know it makes sense. I am always here you know. You just have to feed me...thirsty?]

Phase 4

No headache again today. No hangover, but I'll have a "hair of the dog" any way just in case. You know, prevention is better than cure.
Must be warmer today, no shakes. Or have I woken up before thay started, and the "hair of the dog" did the trick. Gatta get some more mints, or that "fresh breath" chewing gum, seem to have run out
Slight achy pain down my right hand side, must have slept funny.(isnt that where you liver is???....Nah..  wadya thinking, .)

Ooooh, just seen the advert for drink driving on the telly. Leg twitched!!. Peculiar effect. had the same thing happen last night when Casualty was on, and the patient was in for alcohol abuse. Charlie, the head nurse caught the bloke drinking "water" from his own Evian bottle, while in bed waiting for a transplant. The water was 40% ABV, Charlie realised. Its only a programme though, they have to sensationalise it to make for viewing figures.

Must be nerves, or that onset of the cold weather again. Time for my anti-shaking medicine....

Phase 3 : tick tock.... tick tock...

Ive noticed my taste buds changing...I dont mean just a desire for "apple flavour with a kick", but in fact, every thing tastes sour.
On the occaision that i do actually venture to the pub (trying to behave as if nothing is wrong, and arousing suspiscion ???), I order a normal lager.

Urghh, it tastes off, (but i will drink it anyway...) maybe the next ones is alright. Nope, must be a bad barrel ,and everyone else must be too polite to say anything.

Ah, nice strongbow,

Back to normal (or so i think...)

Phase 2

... maybe if I cut out the "spirits" and revert to cider, surely that constitutes cutting out?
I could then say, without lying, "dont touch spirits". Ok, so i have to consume greater quantities of the liquid to have the effect, but then again, that means peeing more... which is surely a good thing(???)....flush out the system....

Unbeknown to me, the process had started. The deterioration was not going to stop, just because the ABV number was lower. If any of this sounds familiar, then, hey!, heres a major revelation "Your not unique...". The reaction you make to this revelation, is in your hands.

White cider, and scrumpy, was becoming my daily thirst quencher. Unfortunately my thirst never became quenched. I discovered all of the local shops selling it, but became Mr Clever, and alternating which one I went to, so the assistants would never suspect. One assisstant did let me know the time though....."I'm afraid its only 7:47am, and I cant serve alcohol until 8:00am...." I let the other people in the queue through, and browsed the magazine rack for the next 13 minutes. The slight pang of embarrassment soon dissappeared after the first gulp.

Alcohol, what it means to me.

2 years ago, in a land far far away. An evil presence was banished forever. To never return to the land it once ruled....


Sounds like the opening title sequence from Star Wars doesnt it. Instead it was the last day that I drank alcohol. The vice like grip, the "evil" presence once held, was released.
I now know that there are many other who would love to say those words. There are many others who need to say those words. And, unfortunately, there exists the memories of others who now, sadly, cannot, say those words.


I feel lucky. Lucky because I am still able to write this. Lucky because I am happier within myself than I have ever been. I thought I was happy when I drank. But it was a con. I was mentally lying to myself, and was believing it. Falling for it hook line and sinker.


I look back and cringe when I think about how I was acting. How I thought no-one knows. I didnt act drunk, and because I could still control myself physically and mentally, I was proud of myself. It was all false though. I fed off of the success of the charade. It further boosted my justification for what I was doing. The changes in physical appearance, caused by the long term abuse, were becoming ever more obvious though. Its all righ though, as I had perfectly reasonable excuses for them.


Constant shaking (but it was winter though....)
Gaining weight (fluid retention, bit less salt should do it)
Yellowing of the skin (I've always looked tanned..)
Tiredness (Not getting the minimum 8 hours a night. early night should do it)


It obviously had nothing to do with the bottle of vodka every day. Neat. Straight from the bottle.
It all culminated in a hospital visit after tripping over. Doctors dont go to medical school, studying for years, for nothing. They knew instantly, and tried to warn me. "I strongly recommend you stop drinking" was the advice that fell on deaf ears. "They say that to everone" I told myself. As I had never smoked, they had to go to Sin Number 2 on their "List of Things You Must Warn Every patient of, regardless of symptoms".


I didnt heed the warning....  and the drinking continued...