Phase 19 : I'm a "Glass Half Full" kinda guy. [GULP] Now its gone...

After 30 months of being Alcohol free, still means, though, that I am an Alcoholic. And I have found one major side effect of this journey into abstinence. In some ways, I dont want it to go, because it is a reminder.
It is that I get extremely annoyed now with others who get drunk. Theres an internal dilemma as the feelings of irrittation and intolerance starts to build up inside, as I watch others making complete fools of themselves. I dont want to "temper" these emotions, as it is this unwanted passiveness that I found was "cured" with the addition of Vodka. Being able to express these thoughts, without the "dutch" courage, is an achievement in itself. However, it portrays the impression of a "jealous" alcoholic even more. "Your only jealous because they can and you cant..." is the trademark response. "Youv'e had your fun, let them have theirs.."
In some small way, there is some envy. Not envy as regards "letting my hair down". More so envious that they can do one thing, that I will never do for the rest of my life.

Phase 18 : Stewed Liver and Onions. One makes you cry, the other ones an onion...

Being an Alcoholic should mean that I wake up every morning with temptation tugging at my first thoughts of the day. That taking each day as it comes means breathing a sigh of relief, at the end of each alcohol free day achieved. Or that is what I have been lead to believe. However, I want to be in a mind state that "not" thinking about what I have achieved that day becomes the norm. After all I dont mentally slap myself on the back for not taking up smoking that day, or refusing that last doughnut. Thinking about "not" drinking, means thinking about drinking not done, thinking about drinking resisted, thinking about drinking. The same way telling someone to not think about a banana, makes them think about, not thinking about, a banana. I may be fooling myself, in the thought that I will always take it for granted I dont drink. It may be reckless to be "letting my guard down", by not constantly reinforcing to myself that "its one more day", and "theres another challenge round the corner, be prepared". I think that reinforcing the positive aspects, without even mentioning alcohol, is a more effective future strategy.
I am delighted with my confidence, and assertiveness, and stubborness (yes, a good trait if used correctly), and ability to walk in a straight line, and remember the following day.

Phase 17 : Whisky's horrible. So hold your nose, then you dont taste it...

Being an Alcoholic, I think I can speak with some degree of "expertise" on the subject. As if, "expertise" is the right word. Makes it sound like an intellectual education on a subject. then again, I did study it for many years. Many, many years. And always willing to take the oral examination, on a daily basis. In large quantities.
I think that the difference between a drunk, and an alcoholic, is that you can easily spot a drunk. They stand out, (or rather "not-stand", out). They care not for the opinions others may have of them, and am only too willing, and forceful, to discuss it in a loud & slurred mannner. They have no secrets, are not putting up a facade. They have, in some peculiar way, an acceptance of where they are in life, and who they have become. They are "happy" being a drunk.
An Alcoholic, on the other hand, needs the alcohol to prevent becoming somebody they dont like. They are not necessarily "happy" with who they are, but they are determined to do what it takes to not be the "unhappy" person lurking inside. They slip into character easily (and in my case around 3am when the first few gulps of Vodka started the chemical process off), and keep it continually topped up during the day. An alcoholic relishes the cloak of secrecy, and deception they beleive they have created, and it is that, that gives them false contentment.
My cloak has well and truly been discarded, as I dont need to keep the shivers at bay any more.

Phase 16 : Every journey starts with a single step..

Being an Alcoholic means that at some point in your life, Alcohol ruled. Some might argue, it may have been right from the start, you just didnt know it yet. Some may think, that it is in the past, and you have overcome its rule. Again, the debate on "never being free from it", is entirely individual in my book. As an alcoholic myself, I believe that thinking the thoughts that work for you, are your solution, and if they are working then stick with them They may not be someone elses, but they will have their own remedy for abstinence.
I sometimes think back to my drinking days (which were only 2 1/2 years ago, though it seems longer), and wince at the journey I was making. This wasnt the journey to sobriety. This was a much simpler trip. In fact, a short walk of no more than 600 yards.....
"...the swelling in my foot is becoming ever more noticeable", I think to myself as wait, yet again, on the rest benches outside the local shop. "Seem more noticeable by others, who comment on it. And come to think of it I've noticed it more recently when trying to put my shoes on every morning. That in itself is becoming a problem, and affecting my schedule timings for waking up to, leaving for work. I am having to set my alarm 2 minutes earlier to ensure the liquid breakfast of Vodka gulps (3 now), isnt reduced. The physical act of bending over to put on my socks is physically challenging by the ever enlarging stomach, and proportionally growing ankles. In fact now I look more closely, both ankles are enlarged." I instinctively look down.".. and the swelling seems to be moving ever upward, slowly, day by day, week by week." The "water tablets" are no use, so cant be fluid retention". Seems ironic that you take them with a glass of water, or in my case substitute the word Water for Vodka.
I try to convince myself that it will dissappear. That as if by magic, my skin fits again. My diagnosis was absolutely spot on. My body was retaining fluid. My liver was drowning, as was my kidneys, lungs, and most of the other internal organs. I couldn't walk more than about 50 yards without rest, because my feet were swollen, my legs were swollen, my lungs were being crushed internally by fluid, and my energy levels had dissappeared long ago. I wasnt giving this a moments thought, as I sat on the cold, wet bench. Contemplating the next 50 yards, in the same way that Edmund Hilary pondered the vast climb in front of him. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that the shop I was headed for had Vodka at a Special Price today. Cant miss that....
This determination and stubborness is a trait that would come to my aid, much, much later, for a much more beneficial outcome . And all the while I remain sober, now, I know that these qualities, when used in the right way, help me to maintain a alcohol-free lifestyle.

Phase 15 : "Never Mix Grape'n'Grain.... use 2 glasses".

As an Alcoholic, I was living the life I thought was working for me. I welcomed the "mental" freedom, that a Vodka fix can give, especially first thing in the morning. To some, its a euphoric wave, a rush of adrenalin, that has to be topped up continually. To me, though, it was as if someone had lifted the "self-censor". The "little voice" or filter, that kept stopping me doing things I had always wanted to do, but stopped myself. I mean, being more spontaneous. having a freedom of speech, and language, that I didnt think I could do without the alcoholic push.
In some ways, looking back, it amazes me that I felt this way. I can be all those things now, and remember them this time. I can be assertive, and confident, and funny, and at the same time know that my liver is not getting drowned in Vodka. All of these posts are not necessarily in the right order, as they happened. But they all happened. I'm glad I can remember them now, because being able to remember them means I took my doctors advice. "If you take another drink, you'll probably be dead within a year...". Not long after starting to document my thoughts (see previous post), I started to think dark thoughts. Very dark thoughts. And death wasnt far from my mind then either...
....."Not feeling well today, in fact my head hurts on the inside, as well as the outside", I thought as i tried desperately to lumber out from under the quilt. It stank of last nights sweat, and I'm sure some other bodily fluids, that had leaked whilst asleep. I'd felt bad for 3 days now, and it was unusual. I hadnt left my room much, and my bed not much more. The quilt felt so warm, and, despite the odour, inviting. Every time I rose, I yearned to get back underneath. i couldnt keep still though. Fidgeting, and twitching. Mind spinning. Rations starting to get low, but dont even feel well enough to venture out. Sleep. Thats what I need. But everytime I close my eyes due to their extraordinary apparent weight, the darkness appears. Everything seems worse in the dark, yet in some ways it feels comfortable. To be hidden away behind my eyelids means I can escape from everything else. I can be in a place thats as I want it to be. I can conjure up the world I wish. Opening my eyes means transporting myself back to reality. And thats a place I dont want to be. I could be here forever if I wanted to.
Do I want to?, do I really want to?.
The darkness got darker, and the desire to act got greater. It was a solution, and so I acted. The voice in my ears replied to my question.
"Hello there, you've got through to the Samaritans.. how can I help you today?"
Thankfully, I had spotted, the tiny microscopic pin-prick of light, at the centre of the blackness, and acted on that, before that had gone out for good.