Phase 15 : "Never Mix Grape'n'Grain.... use 2 glasses".

As an Alcoholic, I was living the life I thought was working for me. I welcomed the "mental" freedom, that a Vodka fix can give, especially first thing in the morning. To some, its a euphoric wave, a rush of adrenalin, that has to be topped up continually. To me, though, it was as if someone had lifted the "self-censor". The "little voice" or filter, that kept stopping me doing things I had always wanted to do, but stopped myself. I mean, being more spontaneous. having a freedom of speech, and language, that I didnt think I could do without the alcoholic push.
In some ways, looking back, it amazes me that I felt this way. I can be all those things now, and remember them this time. I can be assertive, and confident, and funny, and at the same time know that my liver is not getting drowned in Vodka. All of these posts are not necessarily in the right order, as they happened. But they all happened. I'm glad I can remember them now, because being able to remember them means I took my doctors advice. "If you take another drink, you'll probably be dead within a year...". Not long after starting to document my thoughts (see previous post), I started to think dark thoughts. Very dark thoughts. And death wasnt far from my mind then either...
....."Not feeling well today, in fact my head hurts on the inside, as well as the outside", I thought as i tried desperately to lumber out from under the quilt. It stank of last nights sweat, and I'm sure some other bodily fluids, that had leaked whilst asleep. I'd felt bad for 3 days now, and it was unusual. I hadnt left my room much, and my bed not much more. The quilt felt so warm, and, despite the odour, inviting. Every time I rose, I yearned to get back underneath. i couldnt keep still though. Fidgeting, and twitching. Mind spinning. Rations starting to get low, but dont even feel well enough to venture out. Sleep. Thats what I need. But everytime I close my eyes due to their extraordinary apparent weight, the darkness appears. Everything seems worse in the dark, yet in some ways it feels comfortable. To be hidden away behind my eyelids means I can escape from everything else. I can be in a place thats as I want it to be. I can conjure up the world I wish. Opening my eyes means transporting myself back to reality. And thats a place I dont want to be. I could be here forever if I wanted to.
Do I want to?, do I really want to?.
The darkness got darker, and the desire to act got greater. It was a solution, and so I acted. The voice in my ears replied to my question.
"Hello there, you've got through to the Samaritans.. how can I help you today?"
Thankfully, I had spotted, the tiny microscopic pin-prick of light, at the centre of the blackness, and acted on that, before that had gone out for good.